Pope Hilarius II

With all this hysteria over Benedict XVI, our new Pope, I started to do a little research for ways I could give back to my beloved Cathloic Church. After all, its been a while since I’ve been to mass. So I thought, well, I could be a pope. I mean, I have good ideas, and people might listen to me. So, I looked into what I would have to do to become one. It turns out, this sort of thing happens often. They call themselves “antipopes”.

According to the web encyclopedia Wikipdeia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antipope),

“An antipope is one whose claim to being Pope is the result of a disputed or contested election. These antipopes were usually in opposition to a specific person chosen by the papal electors.” One of the last such antipopes was Benedict XIII in the 16^th century. Hmm…this was getting a little too ironic.

So, I’ve decided to start my campaign for antipope. I’ve decided to call myself Pope Hilarius II. (Named after Pope Hilarius who served in 461-468). Why would you want to elect me? Well, to start, I meet all Catholic Curch requirements (I am a baptised, confirmed Catholic male). Second of all, I have some great ideas. Here are just a few:

1. Drive-Thru Confessionals. Sure we’d all go to confession if we had the time, but who has that kind of time anyway? Well, fear not, drive-thru’s are here. Pull up to the speaker, say your peace, and then drive up to the window to receive your pennance.
2. Value Meals. It has always been such a pain to have to get up during mass, get your bread, and then go to a separate line for your wine. Wouldn’t it be great if you could get it all in one stop? And to sweeten the deal, wouldn’t it be great to offer value meals with more “tasty” options? How about a grilled host toast sandwich? Host fries? And why does wine have to be the only drink of choice? Didn’t they have beer back then? We could have holy beer, and even let you drink it out of that same golden chalice!
3. Leather Recliners With Cup Holders. I can’t imagine anyone really enjoys sitting on those uncomfortable pews. I’d install leather recliners with cup holders (for the holy beer, of course) in all my churches. You’ll be able to enjoy mass in style.
4. Club Seats At Churches. Following the trend at sporting arenas, I’d propose we install club seats at churches, which offer all the amenities you’d ever need at a mass: Personal massages, a fully stocked bar (with holy beer and wine, of course), and anything else you’d need. That would really bring in money for the church. Oh, and while we’re at it, why not sell the naming rights to the churches to bring in some extra cash? How would you like to attend the UPS Parish, or the St. Wendy’s Cathedral?
5. Rent-A-Nun. If you had the chance, you’d pray all day for God to help you get that job promotion, or to help your favorite sports team win the big game. But who has time for that? Nuns do, and for $30 an hour ($180 for an 8-hour day), they are yours! They’ll do all the praying for you so you can get on with your life. What a deal! (And a moneymaker for the church).

These are just some of the amazing ideas I have as I work to improve the Catholic Church. If you’d like to send me a donation to help me get started, you know where I live.

The Fine Print: This blog posting is not meant to offend anyone, and should be taken for its humor value only! J